Becoming a new mom is exhilarating, but no one really prepares you for the sleep deprivation. The same child who makes you swoon with love and get intoxicated by that fresh baby smell is the same child who will have you waking up like a zombie at night — unrecognizable, but still a watchman in the dark for this precious little being.
So it goes without saying that I wanted, and needed, my baby boy to sleep through the night as soon as possible. In that pursuit, I went searching for answers but ended up more confused than when I started. Some advice pushed independence by every means possible, which never sat right with me. Other advice leaned toward total dependence — a path I quickly learned would lead to exhaustion and burnout.
As a species, humans — like all mammals — are born quite dependent on their caregivers. Our survival and healthy development in the first few months are directly tied to the presence and quality of care we receive, especially from our primary caregivers. That early dependence and trust is actually what gives us the confidence to explore the world later, because we have a safe base, both physically and emotionally.
It wasn’t until I discovered Montessori that this tension finally made sense. Dr. Maria Montessori observed that children possess an innate drive toward independence. We don’t manufacture that drive, nor do we force it. Our role is to recognize what a child is genuinely ready for, offer the support they need in that season, and then gradually step back as they become capable. Independence isn’t rushed — it’s cultivated.
Looking back, I don’t regret responding to my baby’s need for closeness in those early months. At that stage, dependence wasn’t a setback — it was development. As my son grew, my role changed too. I slowly introduced rhythms and sleep habits that matched his growing abilities, supporting him less because he truly needed me less.
Maybe this is true for more than sleep.
Every stage of childhood asks us to discern what a child still needs from us and what they’re now ready to do for themselves. That discernment is rarely convenient. It requires observation, patience, and the humility to accept that every child unfolds in their own time.
Independence isn’t something we demand from our children. It’s something we patiently prepare them for — not because dependence is the destination, but because it’s the place from which confident, capable children learn they’re safe enough to let go.
Moment for Mama
If your child still needs you today, it doesn’t mean you’ve delayed their independence. Sometimes our steady presence is exactly what gives them the confidence to take their next step tomorrow. There will come a day when they need a little less of you. Until then, be fully present in the season you’re both growing through.
